Words of Enflourishment

You’d be surprised how often this question arises in our daily lives. It seems that, while sometimes being right and being happy go together, we are often compelled (knowingly or not) to choose between them.

Of course, how we answer the question largely depends on our definition of both “happy” and “right.” Happiness can be short term and fleeting, or deep and lasting. Being “right” could mean either being morally right – doing the right thing – or being correct (technically accurate).

Without getting into a complete philosophical discussion, it seems to me that there is a general connection between moral “rightness” (i.e., living our lives by doing the right thing from day to day), and the deep and lasting happiness that comes from living such a life. When we follow our values and treat others with kindness, we open ourselves up to the kind of happiness that can only abide in a joyful, contented spirit.

(This is not to be confused with moral righteousness, which is the kind of “right” that focuses more on the behavior of others and the appearance of being right ourselves. As far as I know, righteousness has never made anyone truly happy).

Many of us are also made happy – at least temporarily – by being right in the ‘correct’ sort of way. Who doesn’t get a little thrill from figuring out a tough math problem, racking up points for our trivia team, or guessing the best way back to the main road when we’re lost? It’s the kind of emotional gratification that keeps us searching for life’s great discoveries, chasing acheivements, and asking tough questions so that we might come ever closer to the answers.

This is all just marvelous, and there is little need of further discussion, until we come into contact or develop a relationship with another human being. Once we do, our “rightness” suddenly takes on new meaning and implication.

That’s why this question, “Is it better to be happy or right?” comes up so often in couples’ counseling. Because sometimes, in our quest to be right (as in, correct, or even a little righteous), we inadvertantly create unpleasantness for those around us. Often being right means pointing out (or at least implying) that someone else is… well, wrong. And believe it or not, some people don’t enjoy being told constantly that they are wrong, incorrect or just plain imperfect, no matter how true it may be.

But, you’re thinking, there often is a right answer. Some things are not a matter of opinion. Two plus two really is four. There is one best way to get from home to the grocery store. And Virginia – despite all assertions to the contrary by its governor – does not border Delaware. This is true. But relationships are seldom about right and wrong; they are far more about one’s approach to right and wrong.

I think the problem occurs when we can’t keep being right in perspective. We want to be right in all situations, regardless of their relative importance, the same way we sometimes want approval and praise. To our detriment, we sometimes begin to seek ‘rightness’ at all costs. We also sometimes confuse being technically correct with being morally or ethically right, which just adds to the confusion.

There are obviously times when a couple, family or entire organization must discuss and maybe even argue about how to do the right thing – ethically and morally. These are lessons that we need our children to understand, and that will weigh on our conscience if they are not answered correctly. And there are times when we have to decide whether the beach is to the right or the left before making the turn in the minivan.

Unfortunately, however, when there is a conflict in our lives, many of us fall into the trap of putting more time and energy into establishing whose point of view is correct, rather than finding the best course of action. Sometimes we are so busy being right that we lose track of what will make us happy in the long run, create harmony in our homes, or maintain a productive relationships with coworkers.

When couples come into my office and we begin to explore conflicts between them, I am always astonished at their arguments. I’m never surprised that couples will argue over seemingly little things – laundry, driving styles, choice of restaurant – but I am often amazed at the relentlessness with which many people pursue being right about these little things. Sometimes, there are larger issues that underlie these ferocious arguments. Other times, we just plain don’t want to give in.

That’s when correctness starts to backfire on us. When we cannot stand to give in, to accept the idea that we might be wrong (or worse, that we might need to give in even when we are not wrong); it begins to work against us.

When we browbeat or criticize our spouse just to prove a point, we may win the battle but ultimately lose the war. Marriages erode quickly in such circumstances, and intimacy is typically the first thing to go. How can I open my heart to my partner if I know he or she is simply looking for areas of weakness to point out? How can we collaborate toward a solution, when every opinion professed is viewed as a threat to the other?

This need for correctness at all costs damages more than just marriages. It can deplete productivity in the workplace: pitting one employee or department against another, and creating a fear of making mistakes that squelches creativity and innovation. In fact, leaders who always seem to have the answers are actually becoming a challenge unto themselves in the modern corporation. When leaders value correctness above all, the mentality is quickly passed to – and sometimes amplified by – employees further downstream.

Consider the example of Kathy*, someone I worked with long ago who struggled with this very issue. She had a fundamental sense of fairness and a strong adherence to the rules of the organization, especially the policy about work hours. She made it a habit each day to write down the exact times that each of her coworkers arrived for work, went to lunch, and left for the day. The calendar in her desk that was covered in red marks whenever someone strayed from the established schedule; and I suspect she gave frequent reports to various managers.

Whenever someone made an error related to Kathy’s department, she always took the time to point it out (or to send a mass e-mail to the whole company if she couldn’t pinpoint the culprit), even when it would’ve been easier for her to simply correct it herself and move on. Kathy took pride in ensuring that her colleagues understood the policies and procedures within her purvue. She also felt it was unfair that some people were held to exacting standards for their working hours and other rules; while others were allowed to come and go more freely. And in a certain sense, she was right.

In another sense, Kathy’s quest for correctness was a stone in her own shoe.

Not surprisingly, coworkers resented being called out each time they made a mistake. Also not surprisingly, no one appreciated being watched like a hawk as they came and went from the office. Her peers began to feel defensive and to avoid interactions with Kathy whenever possible. Managers grew annoyed with her constant reporting of tiny rule infractions, which took up time and forced them into uncomfortable situations. She was passed over for promotions year after year, both because she couldn’t see the bigger picture, and because she didn’t get along well with others. She was also passed over for many social events outside of work because she’d built an awkward wall between herself and others. I know that she enjoyed the fact that she did her job well – but frankly I don’t know how much she really enjoyed her job.

The other limitation of Kathy’s perspective, and all of ours, is that it was limited to where she was sitting. Kathy knew the rules about employee hours, but she didn’t know that some managers had negotiated variances with employees whose jobs required them to work varying hours throughout the year. She knew about her own policies and procedures, but her limited perspective didn’t allow her to step back and understand the stressors and challenges of coworkers. It’s possible that a little empathy for others might have kept her from being overbearing in her correcting behaviors, and in turn would’ve helped her working relationships and her career.

Even though this particular example is a bit extreme, the same goes for most of us. Think about your work environment, key relationships, and even the trivia team. Are there times when your approach to being right actually distances you from others? Times when a well-proven point starts to lose value, because it detracts from your long-term relationship happiness?

Now I’m not saying that we should throw out the rules of mathematics, shy away from political debates, or just drive around aimlessly and hope we hit the beach. Information is good, opinions are valuable, and in a healthy relationship we should always feel free to respectfully share our point of view.

In those same healthy relationships, however, we have to acknowledge that being right only takes us so far. We need kindness, empathy, and flexibility to take us the rest of the way.